Transitions and Milestones

I had a dream last night that I was babysitting my cousins again, and somehow I was completely neglecting their welfare, and like, having a really hard time juggling caring for the one over the other. I woke up with this sense of having done something wrong that I would have to deal with and make right in some way.

It's been hitting me more and more frequently that "pregnant" is going to end much sooner than I'd realized, and "baby" is going to be invading in a very real way. So far I've been consumed with eating the right things, taking the pills, reading the books, seeing the doctor; but having an actual baby to care for is something else altogether, and that transition, mentally, is starting to slowly take place.

I bought her some baby clothes at TJ Maxx over the weekend, and it was the first time that I'd been shopping for things for my own child -- not for a fantasy, some-day kid, or for someone else's kid that I was living vicariously through, but my own real, soon to be on the outside, flesh and blood child. It was kind of like a milestone in its own right.

Waking Up

I don't know why I'm actually up this early. I took a shower last night so I don't need the extra time or anything. But I'm not overly exhausted, and going back to sleep would just mean having to rouse myself from semi-REM sleep again in a few minutes, and my hips are hurting already anyway. I slept on the other side of the bed last night, since I was trying to watch South Park on my laptop and it was easier to do that from the other side. But that side doesn't have my comfortable rut in it, and I spent most of the night trying to readjust myself so I didn't roll away. Now I'm sitting at the computer in the front room, having actually risen with the alarm, waking up slowing to the internet and pointing the water bottle at the cat every two minutes as he tries to get into Christmas decorations that are, in fact, not toys for him.

Shawn bought us a PS3 over the weekend, as well as a wireless router, and it finally feels like we're not just faking it as adults. I know, that's lame. But I can get online in any room of my house, I can stream my Netflix to the tv, which makes it feel like we have more than 10 channels to chose from, and Shawn feels like he has something nice, which is, sadly, a rarity for him these days.

I spent the weekend baking Christmas cookies with Megan, and managed not to eat too many of them in the process. Baby enjoyed the few I did have, though.

Tonight I must finish my Christmas shopping. Shawn is probably going to shop for the kids today, if he gets up in time to take me to work so he can use the car. It's so fun to have kids to shop for this year. And next year, I will have my kid!

You know, I've been hitting the place in this pregnancy in which I keep having feelings of, what the heck am I doing? Perhaps it's all finally settling in. I'm going to have an actual child to care for, not just a baby to play with. I don't doubt my ability, but it's just a big reality starting to sink in.

In any event, I hope to also hit the gym tonight for the first time in several weeks. I signed up again last week, and I just didn't have any time to myself after Wednesday night.

Also, I dreamed about Tim McGraw last night. Explain.

Happy Halfway Mark (and yesterday post th at I forgot to put up)

Happy Halfway Mark!! (Today)
Hello small creature!  You're halfway done! Congratulations on making it this far! You're starting to move more and more, and you're filling out the maternity clothes I have rather nicely. You're also giving me heartburn pretty much every day, which really isn't fair of you.

I have a coworker who is driving me nuts. I have heard this woman talk about how she never wants to have kids. She has a great relationship with her niece but doesn't want to have kids herself. So, of course, she takes it as her duty to lecture me all about how I should be eating spinach and kale and chard (shit that I wouldn't be eating anyway, except the spinach) and practically gives me dirty looks in the lunch room when I eat chips with my sandwich or something. First of all, she swears she's a health nut, and is trying to impose what amounts to a religion on someone with different beliefs. And second of all, pregnancy isn't for her, but she damn sure knows all about how to do it better than I do. You know how much I hate confrontation -- do I send an email about something like this? Like, Hi there, I know you mean well, but I have been reading the pregnancy books and talking to my doctor, and if anyone is going to give me advice on what to eat, it really ought to be him. 

Poop.

Still marking off the days on my calendar until ultrasound day. Five more to go!!!


Fears and Other Demons -- November 18, 2010
I’m starting to have moments of paranoia. Right now, my biggest fear is that we’ll go to the ultrasound on Wednesday with everyone there all excited to find out what the sex is, and instead, we’ll find out that it’s died. There’s no reason for me to think that, other than the fact that I don’t feel it moving much yet. But I do feel it moving, and every time I do, I’m like, yay, it IS still alive. I’m sure these aren’t uncommon fears, but they still suck. I just want him/her to be okay and healthy and doing his/her thing, regardless of whether it’s Max or Violet.

Speaking of names, I’ve made sure to tell Shawn that, once we do determine who’s in there, that baby is immediately going to become either "Max" or "Violet" to me, so if he isn’t sure about either of those names, now is the time to tell me and start thinking about something else. Because I’m not sure I could change it once I get attached to my Little Bean as one or the other.

I had a good day of healthy eating yesterday, capped by a delicious Mexican dinner. …sigh… I’m getting there, I swear! And Shawn and I both forgot that we’d wanted to workout last night. I was so exhausted that when we got home from dinner I sat on the couch with my laptop on the lap desk to write, and promptly fell asleep to the sounds of Shawn’s SoComm game, or however that’s spelled.

I got some money from dear old Dad to do some more maternity clothes shopping, and Shawn’s mom, Julie, is apparently gifting me with some as well. Thanks!!!! It’s so very appreciated, especially as I’m growing out of things so quickly. Lots of what I got from Nicole and Kim need little things to make them work right – a belt for this super cute dress from Kim, to keep my top half from melding with my belly as they both expand; flats to replace the heels that make up my shoe collection; a good winter coat; and so on.

New Clothes!

Super big thanks to Nicole and Kim for donating two big bags of maternity clothes last night. I have seriously doubled my wardrobe. I wore a combination of both gals to work today -- Kim's khaki's, and Nicole's navy top. My own sparkly flip flops, hehe. Pops is giving me some money to stock up one some other things, like some outwear and a couple more pairs of work pants, and so on.

I had a dream last night that we were at the ultrasound appointment -- me and Shawn, my mom, Shawn's parents -- and we found out it was a boy. Premonition? Or resurfacing of everyone telling me it's going to be a boy? I don't know, and I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up for one or the other. Also, I came up with a really fun way of breaking the big news to the folks waiting in the waiting room, in my dream, and when I woke up, I was like, huh, that's a really good idea. So now it shall come to pass.

Felt another little kick today, but he/she isn't terribly active yet, and least not that I can feel. Braxton-Hicks contractions from time to time, usually at night or first thing in the morning. Registered for a freakin' adorable bassinet online this afternoon. I'm jealous. I wish my bed was that cute.

Today is my one year anniversary with Shawn. We're celebrating by having a kid. Hehe. But seriously. I guess none of this has felt like a big deal to me because it seems like we've been together for so much longer than that. We both looked at each other last night and thought, really? Only one year? Time has gone in slow-mo for the last year. I suppose Thanksgiving is as good a time as any for all these things to come up. Cause no matter what, I really am happy and thankful for him in my life.

So, sappy moments aside, hope everyone has a wonderful evening, and I shall be back tomorrow with pictures of the belly at 19 weeks. Can't believe I'm encroaching on the halfway mark already. Christ. Slow down in there!!